So I am pretty sure that if it were possible I would rewind my life and change everything after my mom died.
I totally effed up my life.
That year was such a rollercoaster, with my mom's cancer and everything. I would even relive that if I could. Cause at least she was still alive. I could still look at her face, hear her voice, talk to her, hug her, look into her brown eyes...
I had a lot of the best friends I've ever had that year.
I miss it.
I miss lunch with Caitlin and Sydney and Logan and Denae and Emily... and Ethan and everyone! But especially Ethan. You have no idea how much he means to me.
I've known him longer than I've known most of the people in my life. Longer than Caitlin. Longer than I've known my own brothers.
Anyway.
Right now my life feels really empty.
Not because I don't have people in my life. I have loads of people to spend time with. But I have nothing to do when I am not with people, and when people are working, or at school all day I spend that much time alone, doing nothing productive.
I would give anything to have a job.
Yes, I love having free time to read, and write and sleep.
But I've been reading nonstop for the past three weeks, my eyes hurt. And I sleep way way too much, it's making me depressed.
I will do anything to get out of the house.

So I've pretty much been in love with ethan since I was 11, and actually it's really weird to have him back in my life. But not bad weird. Just like, I have to adjust. I also have to adjust to the fact that he isn't exactly mine, yet.
And remembering everything from way back when is, well it makes me so happy, but then it makes me compare it to the bull shit that I went through with Casey, Isaac and Zach. Wtf? Really?
How is it that my best relationship was with a guy during Jr freaking High?
Why is it, that he is still just as sweet as he was way back when, and he is also the most attractive guy I've ever been with, and not only that, but the coolest?

God.....I have to stop now. I really do.